Monday, October 16, 2006

Is He Really Your Mr. Right?

Tadi malam, seorang sahabatku, sebut saja namanya A mengumpulkan teman-teman dekatnya termasuk aku untuk memberikan undangan pernikahannya. Ia akan menikah bulan depan, dengan seorang laki-laki pilihan hatinya yang baru dikenalnya beberapa bulan. Aku bahagia untuknya tentu saja, karena dia sudah menemukan ketetapan hati untuk membina rumah tangga dengan orang itu. Dan apapun yang dikatakan orang lain tidak akan merubah keyakinannya. Tapi aku ngga bisa menyembunyikan kekhawatiranku, ketika sahabatku itu akan mengikatkan dirinya dengan orang yang belum pernah ia tahu bagaimana realitas kesehariannya, kecuali dari seberkas biodata, beberapa kali pertemuan formal dan cerita dari orang-orang terdekat si lelaki itu (yang meskipun mereka jujur, aku ragu bahwa hal detil kecil printil-printil yang sebenarnya penting tidak luput). Aku curiga, apapun yang dikatakan lelaki itu dalam dialog-dialog formal mereka mungkin saja sudah dipersiapkan matang-matang sebelumnya. Secara aku setiap hari di kantor dibombardir dengan permasalahan kekerasan dalam rumah tangga, bahkan dari pasangan yang sudah pacaran 10 tahun, menikah 15 tahun, apalagi yang baru kenal 1-3 bulan. Dan untuk orang seperti sahabatku itu, aku yakin sekali (dan dia juga mengakuinya) jika hal sedemikian terjadi ia akan menganggap bahwa apapun itu adalah kehendak Tuhan dan konsekuensi dari pilihannya yang harus ia emban. Hmm…

Aku memberinya saran (mungkin juga ia menganggapnya intimidasi, tapi apapun itu aku juga ngga yakin dia akan melaksanakan saranku), untuk melakukan semacam “orientasi”. Tentu saja untuk menguatkan argumenku, aku menggunakan hadis yang mengatakan bahwa jika kita ingin mengenal seseorang cara yang terbaik adalah (bertingkat) mulai dari bicara, bepergian bersama, sampai tinggal bersama. Tentu aku tidak menyarankan A untuk pacaran dengan lelaki itu, tapi untuk mengambil masa orientasi, misalnya dengan bepergian bersama seharian penuh. Disitu akan keliatan realitasnya, bagaimana ia hidup, mengelola emosi, memandang segala sesuatu dan mengatasi hambatan, kecerdasan intelegensia, emosional dan spiritualnya. Yang pasti menurutku, ada nilai-nilai tertentu yang kita utamakan dan juga kita harapkan dalam pasangan, dan itu nggak cukup hanya dengan perkataan. Semua orang bisa saja bilang aku ini jujur baik hati tidak sombong dan suka menolong sebagaimana sumpah pramuka yang dihafal sejak SD, tapi tidak semua orang mau menolong orang yang kesusahan dalam kehidupan nyata (itu mungkin makanya kapitalis televisi membuat reality show “Tolong”) . Misalnya saja, bagiku penting untuk melihat sikapnya saat duduk di bus kota sementara ada ibu tua atau perempuan berdiri tidak dapat tempat duduk, saat seorang yang ceroboh tanpa sengaja menumpahkan minuman ke pakaiannya, ketika seorang anak kecil tiba-tiba melempari kepalanya dengan bola, atau ketika tiba-tiba di jalan bertemu dengan mobil mogok yang perlu didorong, ada orang yang kecopetan atau kecelakaan dan sebagainya.

Mungkin memang tidak mungkinmerubah pikirannya..tapi setidaknya hasil “orientasi” tersebut mungkin bisa dijadikan bahan evaluasi, dan seperti yang sering ia katakan, dapat dikomunikasikan antara mereka supaya bisa sejalan.
Apapun pilihannya, aku mendoakan yang terbaik untuknya.

Ini adalah dua buah artikel yang diforward kepadaku lewat suatu milis sejak beberapa tahun lalu dan kusimpan karena saat itu adalah pertamakalinya aku memikirkan tentang pernikahan (dan aku pikir bener banget) Please read (aku juga mengirimkannya kepada A).

HOW WILL I KNOW IF I MET THE PERSON I SHOULD MARRY

The choice of a marriage partner should not be based on "I get a warm, wonderful feeling whenever we're together and I want to have that warm wonderful feeling forever, so let's go get married". Feelings, as we have discussed, have no logic on their own. They need to be acknowledged, of course, but they need considerable assistance from your brain.

Marriage means choosing the person you will spend the rest of your life with. This, as you may have guessed, is a very long time to spend with one person. This person will live with you, eat meals with you, sleep with you, and go on vacation with you. More important yet, this person will share your children. You need to choose wisely. The decision should not be made based on feelings alone. You need to ask yourself some tough questions. The decisions have to be made on solid considerations.Will this person be a good partner? Is she mature enough to put her own selfish desires aside to look out for what is best for the family? Is he prepared to be a good provider? What is his track record? Is he responsible enough to get a good job and keep it?Will this person be a good parent? Can you stand the thought of your children turning out exactly like this person? They will, you know.

Children spend a lot of time with their parents and consequently pick up many or most of their parents' character traits. You had better like your spouse's traits a lot because you will be seeing them again in your children.If something were to happen to you, would you completely trust this person, alone, with the task of raising and forming your children? This is not a pleasant thought, but it is an important consideration. Not everyone dies at a ripe old age with great grandchildren gathered around the bed. Sometimes a parent dies and leaves young children in the care of the other parent. If you feel that you would need to be around to correct or lessen this person's influence on your children, then you are considering the wrong person.

Does this person share your faith in God? God does not give us children so that we can mold them into the coolest, most popular people in school. Our job is to get them to heaven. To do that, we need to raise them believing in God. It is tough to do that if only one parent believes.Saying "this is right and this is wrong, and I want you to ignore Mommy until you are thirty-five" does not work. Small children ask about eight zillion questions in a single day. The answers to those questions go a long way toward forming the kind of adults they will become. Who will be answering those questions for your children?

Does this person you are marrying have sexual self-control? Single people sometimes have this idea that marriage is just some kind of lifelong sex festival and that as long as they have each other, they will never be tempted by other people. Wrong! There are many times in every marriage when one partner or the other is sexually unavailable - illness, the last months of pregnancy, travel. There are also times when spouses, just get on each others' nerves.At times like this, other people can seem very appealing. That can be dangerous, because there are plenty of very attractive people out there who are willing to make them available to married men and women. Do you want someone who has never said "no" to sex? If he is not good at saying "no" at eighteen, it won't be different at forty. Do you want to worry about whether or not your spouse is being faithful?

These are very important questions, and if you are not comfortable with all of the answers, you should definitely not marry this person.None if this is to say that feelings play no role at all in a marriage decision. You don't have to, "Well, I suppose that you would make a good spouse and parent, so even though I don't particularly like you I guess I'll marry you”. You need to be happy and excited about the prospect of spending your life with someone. Your brain however, must acknowledge that this person as a good catch.

Don't listen to your heart alone or your head alone. Wait until your heart and head agree.

(aku menggarisbawahi kalimat terakhir, karena teorinya begini, tapi sampai sekarang ini masih menjadi masalahku, dan banyak masalah orang lain kurasa).

TEN SIGNS YOU MARRY THE WRONG PERSON
By Dov Heller
With the divorce rate over 50%, too many are apparently making a serious mistake in deciding whom to spend the rest of their life with. To avoid becoming a "statistic," try to internalize 10 insights. 1. You pick the wrong person because you expect him/her to change after you're married.

The classic mistake! NEVER MARRY POTENTIAL!! The Golden Rule is, if you can't be happy with the person the way he or she is now, don't get married. As a colleague of mine so wisely put it, "You actually can expect people to change after their married...for the worst!" So when it comes to the other person's spirituality, character, personal hygiene, communication skills, and personal habits, make sure you can live with these as they are now.

2. You pick the wrong person because you focus more on chemistry than their character.
Chemistry ignites the fire, but good character keeps it burning. Beware of the "I'm in love" syndrome. "I'm in love" often means, "I'm in lust." Attraction is there, but have you carefully checked out this person's character?Here are four characteristics to definitely check for:
* Humility: -Does this person believe that "doing the right thing" is more important than personal comfort?
* Kindness: - Does this person enjoy giving pleasure to other people?* How does s/he treat people s/he doesn't have to be nice to?* Does s/he do volunteer work? Give to charity?
* Responsibility: -Can I depend on this person to do what s/he says s/he's going to do?
* Happiness: -Does this person like himself? Does s/he enjoy life?- Is s/he emotionally stable?Ask yourself :Do I want to be more like this person?Do I want to have a child with this person?Would I like my child to turn out like him or her?

3. You choose the wrong person because you do not share a common life goal and priorities.
There are three basic ways we connect with another person:a) Chemistry and compatibility) share common interestsc) share common life goal.Make sure you share a deeper level of connection that sharing life goals provide. After marriage, the two of you will either grow together or grow apart.To avoid growing apart, you must figure out what you're living for while you are single-and then find someone who has come to the same conclusion as you.This is the true definition of a soul mate. A soul mate is a goalmate ... two people who ultimately share the same understanding of life's purpose and therefore share the same priorities, values and goals.

4. You pick the wrong person because you do not have deeper emotional connection.
To evaluate whether you have a deeper emotional connection or not, ask: "Do I respect and admire this person?" This does not mean, "Am I impressed by this person?" We are impressed by a Mercedes. We do not respect someone because they own a Mercedes. Yes, you should be impressed by qualities of creativity, loyalty, determination, etc., but do you actually respect and admire this person who possesses these qualities?Also ask : "Do I trust this person?"This also means, "Is he/she emotionally stable? Do I feel I can rely on him/her?

5. You pick the wrong person because you choose someone with whom you don't feel emotionally safe.
Ask yourself the following questions:- Do I feel calm, peaceful and relaxed with this person?- Can I fully be myself and express myself with this person? Does this person make me feel good about myself?- Do you have a really close friend who does make you feel this way? Make sure the person you marry makes you feel the same way! Are you afraid of this person in any way? You should not feel you need to monitor what you say because you are afraid of how the other person will view it. If you're afraid to express your feelings and opinions openly, there's a problem with the relationship.

Another aspect of feeling safe is that you don't feel the other person is trying to control you.Controlling behaviors are a sign of an abusive person. Be on the look out for someone who is always trying to change you There is a big difference between "controlling" and "making suggestions." A suggestion is made for your benefit; a control statement is made for their benefit.

6. You pick the wrong person because you don't put everything on the table.Anything that bothers you about the relationship must be brought up fordiscussion. Bringing up the uncomfortable stuff is the only way to evaluate how well the two of you communicate, negotiate, and work together. Over the course of a lifetime, difficulties will inevitably arise. You need to know now, before making a commitment: Can you resolve your differences and find compromises that work for both of you? Never be afraid to let the person know what bothers you.This is also a way for you to test how vulnerable you can be with this person. If you can't be vulnerable, you can't be intimate. The two go hand in hand.

7. You pick the wrong person because you use the relationship to escape from personal problems and unhappiness. If you are unhappy and single, you'll probably be unhappy and married, too. Marriage does not fix personal, psychological and emotional problems. If anything, marriage will exacerbate them. If you are not happy with yourself and your life, take responsibility to fix it now while you are single. You'll feel better and your future spouse will thank you.>
8. You choose the wrong person because you get involved sexually too quickly.

This can be a big problem because it often precludes a fully honest exploration of important issues. Sexual involvement tends to cloud one's mind And a clouded mind is not inclined to make good decisions. It is not necessary to "test drive" in order to find out if a couple are sexually compatible. If you do your homework and make sure you are intellectually and emotionally compatible, you don't have to worry about sexual compatibility.Of all the studies on divorce, sexual incompatibility is never cited as a main reason why people divorce.

9.You pick the wrong person because the man doesn't understand what a woman needs most.
Men and women have unique emotional needs and more often than not, it is the man who just doesn't get it. The unique need of a woman is to be loved. -To feel that she is the most important person in her husband's life. The husband needs to give her consistent, quality attention. Sexual intimacy is always on the woman's terms. Men are goal oriented especially when it comes to this area. As a wise woman once pointed out, "Men have two speeds: on and off." Women are experience oriented. When a man is able to switch gears and become more experience-oriented, he will discover what makes his wife very happy. When the man forgets about his own needs and focuses on giving his wife pleasure, amazing things will happen.
10.You pick the wrong person because he/she is involved in a triangle. To be "triangulated" means a person is emotionally dependent on someone or something else while trying to develop another relationship. A person who hasn't separated from his or her parents is a classic example of triangulation. People can also be triangulated with things as well, such as work, drugs, Internet, hobbies, sports or money. Be careful that you and your partner are free of triangles. The person caught in triangle It cannot be fully emotionally available to you. You'll not be their number one priority.And that's not basis for a marriage.

Ya semoga saja aku tidak melupakan teori-teori ini ketika saatku tiba nanti…